코니 (konnistique) wrote in edgeofspring,
코니
konnistique
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[Fic] DBSK - Of Cookie Worship and the Art of Dietary Languages

Title: Of Cookie Worship and the Art of Dietary Languages
Author: Connie
Rating: PG
Genre: failed attempt at humor D:
Length: 1,548 words
Pairing: None really, maybe blink-and-you'll-miss-it Jaeho, but you don't have to try and read between the lines :)
Summary: Combine a God!Changmin, a lost!Junsu and salad-loving!Jaejoong and Yunho, and you get a very frustrated, and hungry, Park Yoochun.
Warnings: Uh, really failed attempt at humor? D:
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

Written for lavenie_2619 because it's always her writing and me beta-reading, so this time maybe I should write and she can read? :D
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Did I mention I fail at humor? Okay. Good. Haha :D Oh, and um... try not to get too hungry after this? XD Unfortunately, I can't email you guys your dinner :P








---

Yoochun walked into the living room, yawning and stretching. He caught sight of Jaejoong, who was stretched out on the couch with his head in Yunho’s lap, and Yunho sitting curled up with legs tucked underneath him; their eyes glued onto some tragic drama playing on TV. He paused mid-stretch when he heard the commotion coming in from the direction of the kitchen. Peeking his head into the kitchen, he caught the sight of Changmin and Junsu wolfing down burgers like there was no tomorrow.

He turned back to the two in the living room. “…by any chance, is that our dinner they’re currently attacking?”

When he received two simultaneous nods, Yoochun felt his head spin. “…what’s going on?”

“They’re competing.”

“…with our dinner?”

“…hm.”

“…and you guys don’t care because….?”

Yunho looked at him for a second, blinked, and blinked again before turning back to the TV, “...because Jaejoong said burgers are bad for his complexion.” Jaejoong nodded vaguely, a bit too immersed in the drama. “And plus, we’re going on an organic diet for awhile.”

Yoochun blinked back at him.

“There’s salad in the fridge if you want?” Yunho suggested.

“Oh...”

“You should try it… it has no carbs, no sugar, no cholesterol, gluten free, no artificial preservatives, no added dairy; high in protein, vitamin A, C, E and K, fibre, calcium, folate (good for women!) and iron; great source of carotenoids, zeaxanthin, lutein and beta-carotene. And you know what the best thing about it all is? It’s 99% fat free!”

“…huh?”

“What? That’s what it said on the packet.”

Yoochun blanched. “…what language are you speaking in?”

“Dietary language. You should try it too, Yoochun. It has nutritional benefits.” Jaejoong stated calmly, as though they were sipping coffee and discussing about the weather.

Yoochun felt like crying. In the living room, he has two health freaks speaking in an alien language and in the kitchen; there were two burger-eating machines on a rampage. Life was just peachy. And speaking of which, why on earth didn’t anyone wake him up so he could have the chance to defend his dinner from getting attacked by two bottomless pits? Frustrated, he asked, “And pray tell, what is so important that they just can’t not compete over?”

Jaejoong suppressed a laugh while Yunho continued to stare at the TV, biting back a grin.

Yoochun didn’t think the heroine dying tragically by throwing herself off a building was all that funny so he assumed he wasn’t going to like their answers to his question very much— especially since judging by their reactions, they seem to rather enjoy his frustration.

“Well… it went something like this I think…”

~

Rain fell heavily against the windows from the dark sky outside, in the distance Ms Lightning couldn’t help but flash herself and Mr Thunder roared in approval. All in all, it was raining cats and dogs outside and they were stuck at home for the evening.


Changmin sat at the dining table half eating a cookie and half picking the crumbs off and throwing them to a small group of ants gathering on the table. He was hungry, in dire need of a proper dinner and very tired of waiting for Yoochun to wake up from his nap.


“You know, Jaejoong will kill you when he finds out the dining table has become a place of ritual worshipping for ants,” Junsu commented offhandedly from next to him, picking off his own share of crumbs for the ants.


“Well at least I’ll die happy knowing that I had been worshipped by ants.”


“…they’re worshipping your cookie.”


Changmin shrugged indifferently, "Worshipping the cookie, worshipping me... same thing."


"Since when did you make a 'Let thou be Worshipped by Ants Association'?" Junsu picked up an ant and stared at it. "...say, how many legs do ants have anyway?”


Watching the poor ant flail its legs around most probably screaming bloody murder, Changmin replied. “That's the 'Prevention to the Cruelty of Ants Society', to which you're breaking law number twenty-six, 'Sexual Harassment of an ant by picking it up and looking up it's legs'.”


"Oh.. ew! Changmin, that's just disgusting!"


Changmin smirked. "And the answer to your question is 'Six'."


“…are you sure?”


Changmin leaned over and pointed, “One, two, three, four… five, six.”


“…seven, eight, nine, ten.” Junsu finished.


“…”


“…?”


“…”


“…!!”


Amused, Changmin thought he’d continue to humor him, “…those aren’t legs.”


“Yes, they are.”


“No, they’re arms.”


“…oh.”


Two minutes later, Junsu eyed Changmin strangely, “…but ants don’t have arms.”


“Then how do they pick up food?”


“…with their legs?”


“I’d like to see you try to pick up food with your legs.”


“I… but… ants! They don’t have arms.” Junsu finished lamely, flailing his arms.


“Yes, they do.”


“No, they don’t.”


“They do.”


“They don’t!”


“Do so.”


“Oh yeah? Want to make a bet on it?”


“…”


Junsu grabbed a burger from a pile of burgers sitting at the other end of the table (which, essentially, was supposed to be their dinner) and gave it to Changmin. “Whoever eats the most burgers, win.”


“…that’s our dinner.”


“Scared?”


“...not really.” ‘Just very hungry and… why hello there, Mr. Burger. Although I like you with a side dish of crispy fries, a large coke, fried chicken wings, baked apple pie and a chocolate sundae... please say hello to your number one fan, Shim Changmin.’ He added silently.




~


Yoochun flopped down on the couch opposite them. “…ants?” He felt a migraine coming.



“…and you guys aren’t angry at all?”

“…the salad was good.”

“How’s that a decent dinner?”

“Well, you see, it contains no carbs, no sugar, no choles—"

“Okay okay. I get you.”

“Oh Yoochun, I’m so glad we finally had this talk, and you’re finally seeing things from the dietary perspective. Maybe we could try making Thai Bistro salad together tomorrow. Or salad soup. Although, I really wanted to try that Melon Couscous salad... and the Edamame salad doesn't sound half bad either... but I think you'll be more partial to the Fettuccine Pasta salad...” Yunho placed a finger to his chin, looking like he was seriously thinking about it. "...though, I think we're out of fat-free salad dressing."

Yoochun paled. “Ugh, maybe you two should enter a salad-making contest or something.”

“Actually, I was. But the prize was only a ‘one-hundred-dollar’ gift card for groceries. So, I thought it wasn’t worth sharing my special salad recipe just for that.” Jaejoong explained, a Cheshire cat smile fixed upon his face.

“…” Looking around for something to change the topic before Jaejoong could launch into another ‘nutritional’ topic; Yoochun spotted a can of bug spray on the coffee table. “Oh, so you managed to exorcise Changmin’s little cult of worshippers?” ('THEY WORSHIPPED THE COOKIES, NOT HIM!" came Junsu's indignant protest from the kitchen.)

“Hey, at least I was nice and left their corpses intact—"

"Only because you didn't want to go any closer than 2 metres from them."

"And—shut up, Yunho—plus, as much as I think cookies are non-nutritional, I still won’t let my gorgeous cookies become religious offerings or let ants do their tribal dances around them.” Jaejoong huffed in reply.

'Oh boy, this one's definitely going to war against the 'Prevention to the Cruelty of Ants Society' armed with bug sprays.' Giving up and sighing, Yoochun stretched himself out on the couch and closed his eyes, intending to go back to sleep, however, curiosity got the better of him. “…so do ants really have arms anyway?” He asked the two opposite him.

Jaejoong groaned and buried himself deeper into the couch while Yunho picked up the remote and turned the volume of the TV up six notches in hopes to drown out the ‘Of course they do’ and ‘No, they don’t!’ and 'We're out of burgers to settle the score and we don't want to use your salad, but if we really have to...' and 'Ew, rabbit food, no!' which came from the direction of the kitchen.



And so Yoochun drifted off, dreaming of days with better food. ("...mmm Vietnamese-styled summer roll stuffed with Shim Changmin and a side dish of fried calamari for the entrée.... as for soup, it shall be spicy Teriyaki salmon and Kim Jaejoong soup. Mmm... main course would be marinated fillet of Jung Yunho glazed with honey & paprika topped with a red pepper dressing... followed by a black forest Kim Junsu trifle topped with fresh strawberries and caramel sauce for dessert.... mmm gourmet food.")









---

Omake?



"...Why is Yoochun cackling in his sleep?"



"Oh no, maybe he's ill!"



"Maybe we should feed him some salad then! It has nutritional benefits!"



"...uh, it has nutritional benefits, not magical healing powers, Jaejoong. Plus, he's sleeping..."



"Oh oh oh, guys! Why did the tomato blush?"



"..."

"Because he saw the salad dressing! HAHAHA! Get it? Hahahaha..."

"...Junsu, that wasn't funny."

"...oh. It wasn't? ..... haha but... salad dressing!" :D

"...mmmmmm..."

"What in the world is Yoochun dreaming about?"

"...I... let's just leave him. Come on Jaejoong, let's go."

"...Yeah, I'm kind of creeped out too."



"Changmin...?



"Yes?"



"... be a dear and drag Junsu out, please."



("....hahaha salad dressing! Get it, Changmin? He saw the salad dressing!!" "...argh! Get a hold of yourself, Kim Junsu!")






others.


A/N: Say, why am I hungry now? :X This wasn't supposed to happen! And um... I don't really know what spawned this. Actually, this originally started out to be a drabble of ~500 words. Then it grew... and grew... and grew some more.

Oh and regarding Junsu's count of ant legs, he counted the two 'feelers' and jaws. (Just so you know, I'm not that deluded. :) I saw that scene in a drama and thought 'Hey, that's pretty cracky'. Ants only have six legs, Changmin was only humoring Junsu. 8D And I own none of the salad/food menus :D I don't even own Junsu's lame joke.)



I'm sorry I fail at this. D: *hides* But, writing romance makes my brain hurt, (I couldn't even make a solid Jaeho relationship here to make this fic qualify to be posted at Detox. But then again, random making out on the couch just doesn't quite cut it.) ...so you have to settle for this. T-T Annnnd... is the fact that I haven't written before, very noticeable? :D Haha, well truthfully I haven't exactly posted any sort of fiction before. I only beta-read for people. Critiques are welcomed. And a comment will be nice.. or two.. or if you like spamming, I welcome that too :D


Annnd, moving this fic made me lose all the wonderful comments ;~; (Originally posted HERE. Thanks guys! ♥)

Feedback/comments are very much appreciated! Thank you for dropping by! ♥